The Reid Test of Excellence

Single Malt. A two-word poem written by God. The beauty and complexity of life expressed in limpid  liquid gold.                                                                                                                     

The tsunami of sensory stimuli which submerge the drinker in a sea of visceral pleasure with each sip should be accepted and enjoyed for what it is, like an orgasm, the appropriate response including descriptors no more sophisticated than "mmmmm" or "wow" or "holy fucking crap".

But some humans, being the fragile little dears they are, feel obliged to analyse and quantify the experience. This not only inappropriate, but brings the afterglow to an abrupt, premature end. (I bet Don Juan didn't launch into a stroke by stroke critique immediately after withdrawal. Or ever.)

Supreme pleasures, be they sex or whisky, are something which should be reflected upon in silence. Or mutual silence, if they have been shared with a friend.                 

But no. The bores, the wankers and the attention seekers must discuss, analyse and classify the event. 

So we end up with abominations like the Whisky Bible, where nearly 5,000 whiskies are evaluated and rated, each given scores based on the artificial divisions of Nose, Taste, Finish and Balance. FFS. Based, of course, on the highly subjective criteria of the opinions of the author, which may, or more likely may not, correspond to yours or mine.

Which brings me to the Reid Test of Excellence.   

This is a simple objective rating of an individual whisky, analogous to a numerical evaluation of the number of bite marks and scratches after a bit of rumpy-pumpy (to persist with my rather strained orgasm comparison.) 

The only requirements to perform the RToE are a Glencairn Whisky glass, a functioning nose and an ability to remember what day it is (not always as easy as it sounds).

1. When the aftershocks of pleasure have receded, the whisky glass is not washed but placed in a location you will hopefully remember the next morning, when you will:

2. "Nose" the glass. 

(This seems like an appropriate time to emphasize that the RToE only applies to Malt Whisky, not to sex - although perhaps I will do some further research and get back to you), then:

3. Decide whether the magical aroma of the whisky - honey, vanilla, peat, primroses, Seville oranges, etc - still assails your nostrils. A binary decision: yes or no. If it does, score 1. (If it smells like an empty glass, score 0, wash the glass and put it away. Test over.)

4. Repeat each morning until the olfactory ghost of the malt has left the glass.

(The highest RToE score of which I am aware is 5, for a 24-year-old Adelphi Single Cask, Cask Strength Linkwood, a score which accurately reflects the excellence a truly beautiful malt.)

So there it is: The Reid Test of Excellence. 

A simple, objective and totally-free-of-bullshit-descriptors rating system.                       

Slainte mhath!