Dear Sir,
I understand that you are pressing charges against my daughter, Gillian, for the theft of 2 (two) beer glasses from your esteemed Public House ("The Elephant and Hernia Truss") in Glasgow.
I am very sympathetic to your response to this increasingly common unwarranted expense to the running costs of your deservedly popular establishment, and understand your motivation to finally bring to an end this distressingly common crime.
I refuse to ascribe to the excuse that, perhaps, you brought this larceny epidemic upon your good self by a narcissistic urge to, perhaps, aggrandise your modest public bar by gilding the small, but perfectly formed lily of your otherwise unexceptional establishment with attractively branded beer glasses, choosing to provide to your few regular customers an illusion of a pub with class.
But I feel that you should also consider the burden of inheritance that my daughter, a descendant of a family of Border Reivers with a history of centuries of petty theft, is a victim of genetic expression, and not some thrill-seeking, acne-ridden, overindulged teenager trying to break the monotony of a relentlessly boring life in 21st Century Glasgow.
I thank you for your tolerance and understanding, and will pass on to Ned and Bubbles that you have no need for renovations to your establishment at this point in time.
Up Yours, faithfully,
Gillian's Dad.
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